It has been a long time since I have woken up in the middle of the night with a clouded mind and felt compelled to get it off my chest. I actually feel a little numb it has been a long time since I have felt a tear trickle down my face but I did tonight. My ex text to say he is moving (which we all knew was inevitable) he therefore would like to see his children every third weekend, Saturday until Sunday going forward. Dropping it from every second weekend and dropping his Friday night. That is the grand total of six times between now and Christmas- it’s August! He tried to make me feel guilty and responsible for this by saying he would have liked every second weekend but he is giving me too much aliment to make it affordable. Which is curious as he was managing to pay for flights, petrol etc. to go down and spend with her every second weekend… (quite often more than every second) to spend there but it’s not as affordable the other way around to see your children…. hmm tough logic. However he has got me and I’m up worrying that three weeks is a long time to go between visits. He also isn’t coming this weekend as he is ‘relocating’… thanks for the short notice buddy, I actually had plans that did not involve a toddler but never mind that what is most upsetting is that it means he goes a month without seeing them. At two and a half years and four months, a month is a really REALLY long time. He doesn’t call, video chat or enquire about them which I also find odd it’s like they are out of sight and out of mind but I hope that he doesn’t do this because it’s too difficult to see what he is missing out on not because he doesn’t want too. Little P asks when her dad is coming as she was just settling into every second weekend, luckily I always just say, he will be back soon to see you and he loves you very much. I just feel so sorry for them… I think they deserve more… so much more.
Dawning realisation
It’s hard to describe the way I feel at the moment but I’m feeling quite over it all. It is like when you want something for ages let’s say a fabulous new handbag, you love it and you never think you will ever find anything else to replace it. It goes with everything, everyone says how much it suits you and you feel amazing! Then one day you notice that it wasn’t as great as you thought, it’s a bit to heavy, a bit to small for your purse but never the less you keep it but use it and love it less and less. You still hold onto it and it gathers dust at the back of the wardrobe until one day you give up on it to make room for something new, suddenly it goes with nothing you own and you wonder why you loved it so much in the first place it’s not even your style anymore. So off it goes to the charity shop and you hope that someone will love it as much as you once did even though it is painful to think of it on someone else’s arm. Well this is how I feel about my ex husband, over the last few months he has been hanging out in the closet of my mind and I struggled to lose the memories and toss them out but I’m ready to pass him on and I seriously wonder what made me pick that style, I thought it was what I wanted but it wasn’t the right fit for my life. That space is clear now and I’m sure I’ll find another ‘handbag’ at some point that I love just as much or probably even more because now I know exactly what I don’t want.
The confrontation
So I wrote this post a month ago now and I feel my feelings have definitely mellowed perhaps I needed to get it off my chest however I had never managed to get around to posting it, so here it is slightly out of date…..
Ok so we all have a bit of crazy in us right? Well I let mine loose and went flying down the path like a bat out of hell to confront the other woman sitting smugly in the car which was once our families. ‘How dare you’ I said, ‘how bloody dare you’. The anger just came from nowhere and I really wish in hindsight I had an eloquent speach prepared or at the very least my best outfit with my makeup on. I wasn’t however there I was looking mumsy with no make up on clutching my baby looking at the face of the woman that had destroyed my family she looked so hard and unapologetic. ‘He will do the same to you’ was my parting shot. I came in feeling victorious that I was no longer this weak woman I was strong and brave. I had a shot of wine (can’t have much more as I’m breastfeeding). Then I had the sudden dawning realisation that actually what I wanted to achieve I don’t think I even mentioned. What made me see red was that he brought the other woman’s child to the door again, and I just thought why can he not spend an hour on his own with his children. He doesn’t know M at all it’s only the second time he has taken her out and he has never done it alone. P doesn’t understand why her Daddy goes away with these other children now and quite frankly I can’t understand why he turns up with them everytime.
He brought M back after half an hour enraged saying she had not been fed and was starving. If you have ever had an 11 week old baby you will know how tempremental they can be especially at 6pm at night, she was looking for comfort and was fine when she was passed back to me, I should have sent him back to stand outside the restaurant rocking the pram watching his dinner get cold through the window which is what all us parents have to do. My mum heard him and she came out, and quite honestly I wasn’t prepared for the venom he had against her, the two of them used to be thick as thieves and I used to feel like the odd one out. I think it felt good for my mum to get things off her chest. He spouted all sorts of things, I was reading his emails?? I sent the baby out without feeding her etc etc. I told him to F off and had to practically drag my mum in the house. Just so you get the picture my mum is a tiny little 5ft 1in retired primary teacher, not exactly a scary woman.
More than capable
The last few months I have made a point of doing all the things that I never used to do. Doing the ‘manly ‘bits, washing the car, changing light bulbs, cutting the grass and taking control on bin day … I’m invincible… however I have an unopened toddler cup sitting at my sink that I strongly suspect is growing mould as try as I might my feeble lady arms won’t open it.
My life feels positive, happy and full of possibilities at the moment. I am sticking to my goals and make sure I do my hair and makeup everyday … apart from yesterday when I bumped into an old school friend looking rather worse for wear.. typical! On Friday night I put the girls to bed and went out for a late dinner with my cousins, my first night out in months and my first few glasses of wine in almost a year, it felt great I could have stayed out all night. I have also just joined the gym, new slinky me here I come. I got a few free personal training sessions with my membership and my first one is today… shouldn’t have had that bacon roll and chocolate biscuit for lunch though.
Busy but loving it
Everyday recently has been so busy that I have hardly had time to think. I feel positive about my future and am having more good moments than bad. I just have hope that there is something bigger and better out there for us. I have been struggling to update this blog as I don’t like to think of what has happened and how it is still effecting our lives. I have had enough of the drama and wish my ex could come up with a consistant plan to see both children that fits around his work schedule and new family. I expect him to make the effort to pick up his children and drop them off at the same times on a regular basis, I just don’t think this is to much to ask. He doesn’t seem to grasp that he moved away from them not the other way around and he can only seem to put his needs and wants first. He forgets that he has a little two year old who looks forward to her Daddy picking her up and for her regular short contact would be best. She said the other day that she would like a Daddy that would want to live with us. How do I even respond to that? I told her she was lucky to have lots of people that love her. She is also lucky that she has plenty of strong male role models in her life, Uncles that play with her, share their chips with her and cuddle her while she watches cartoons so I know she is not missing out. I know so many good men that will be role models for the girls, show them how woman should be treated and how real men will be there everyday for their children.
On a lighter note I have started to lose a bit of baby weight, which really helps to make me feel better. I bought a double buggy which felt light and nippy in the shop that is until I put in two children and I struggle to push it up hills, I’m thinking of the muscles! I’m getting out everyday for a walk now and I feel great for it and I think the fresh air does the girls good too. I have created a playlist on my phone full of empowering songs, ‘I will survive, Katy Perry’s Roar and Don’t rain on my Parade’ just to mention a few – an eclectic mix but I come home and feel like I can take on the world. I have kept to my word and I get up every morning and do my hair and makeup. I make sure my nails are done and I am genuinely feeling good and positive about myself, as shallow as that may sound it makes me happier and improves my mood.
Keeping it consistant
I have been really busy lately and struggling to keep up with posting my blog. I quite often start, get distracted and then when I go back to it, what I was writing about doesn’t apply anymore so I’ll try and post this immediately.
It’s almost 5am and I’m feeding little M. She has slept since 10pm so she has done really well, I’m so proud! My boobs were so full that they were spraying everywhere so I’m sitting here in a soggy mess! I didn’t breastfeed P so this is a whole new experience. I didn’t realise that you only leave the house without breast pads at your own pearl (pale grey top, M&S cafè and massive wet patch argh!). I also thought I would be shy about it and I therefore wouldn’t get out the house as much but it’s quite the opposite as I don’t need to worry about bottles I can go out and stay out for however long I want and I love that, an impromptu stop for a coffee – yes please!
I’m feeling quite positive at the moment after a tough week or two. I’m really struggling to make sure I’m doing the right thing by our children, my ex does not agree with me. I have spoken to midwives, health visitors, lawyers and the law society for the protection of children and feel confident of what we are doing now; he takes P every second weekend 10am Sat until 5pm Sun and he is welcome to come in and see M, he chooses not too (I really struggle to understand this. It’s for her sake so I will never make sense of why he won’t) He would like to take P away 400miles to his new life for three nights and I have said no as I feel she is to young to be making this journey on a regular basis and I think it is to long at two years old to be taken from her Mum, sister and her bed. She does not sleep well away from home and I worry about her being unsettled. Her Dad still works here and has a holiday home that is accessible so I don’t understand why she needs to make the journey other than it suits him better. I don’t want her to be dragged about at bedtime also and I am unsure how he will keep it up when he moves down there but I really hope he puts himself out. I don’t think he realises the importance of building a bond between himself and his two children, he should be securing this unit of three first before injecting them into a new family which is only in its infancy. He thinks I’m plotting to make his life difficult for him and his new partner but my views would be the same if he was single. His children live here so this is where he should see them. He was welcome to come over and do the children’s bath during the week but as he has refused to come in the house so he no longer does that. He can come and take them out for the day whenever he wants but he doesn’t ask too. Probably for the best as he will move and she will wonder where he has gone if he did see P more. I’m quite sure he never thought enough about the effects of this move for his children. I just want him to do the same thing consistently and I desperately want him to start building up time seeing M on a Saturday so she can eventually go overnight too. I can’t force him and she is too young to send away so I will just need to wait and see how it plays out. I do feel we will continue to disagree on what is in the children’s best interest and I really hope we find a resolution, I just wished that he would live here so the children could stay on their home turf and not have to miss out on weekend dance classes, swimming lessons, parties etc. They could also stay at their Dads a night during the week, I think every child deserves a Mum and Dad to be there for them. I would never move away and leave them, our children are the best and most important thing in my life and they will always come first.
It is what it is
I can’t make my ex be the dad I wanted for my children and accepting this is difficult. It is what it is though and there is nothing I can do about it. M is four weeks old and he is already letting her down. He refuses to come into the house, he hasn’t changed a nappy, he hasn’t heard her cry. He doesn’t know how she cuddles like a koala bear or he hasn’t witnessed all the cute little interactions she has had with her big sister. I’m breastfeeding so I have offered him to come into the house to spend time with her and I’m bamboozled to why he won’t. I was hoping that he would maybe bath her, dress her and start to build up a bond so that I feel more comfortable with him taking her away. At the moment he is just a stranger to her I desperately don’t want him to treat our children differently.
It has been suggested by others that he is only thinking of building his new life and every decision he makes reflects this, it is perhaps to painful to remember what he left behind or maybe his new woman won’t let him come in or maybe he hates me too much. I don’t know but one thing is for sure he will never get this time back and I don’t know what else I can do. I also don’t understand why his family are not encouraging him to come and help me, if he were my son I would be mortified I would want him to be asking what he could do to help, he left me with two children to do all the care and he only wants to swoop in for the ‘fun’ day out, he is turning into a fun Uncle and is ceasing to be their Dad. They deserve so much better, maybe as he grows older he will realise what is important and wise up that the effort and foundations he lays down now he will get back in the future.
Emotional Days
Feeling quite emotional on occasion and I’m sure it is just baby hormones but it’s not helping. It is like I’m reliving it all again in my head. What could I have done to keep him? how could I have made his life happier? Basically I’m just torturing myself. My mind plays over all the great memories and dates we used to have and I keep wondering where I lost him. It is what it is though and he clearly holds no regards for me anymore and pining after someone who has been so cruel is not making my life any better. So I thought that I should perhaps make a list of things that in hindsight were not right in my marriage, so I can remind myself why the children and I are better off alone.
- The obvious one, he cheated on me. If he could do this whilst I was pregnant he would almost certainly do it again later in life.
- He lied to me, from little white ones about smoking to who he was texting and where he was going.
- He didn’t listen to me, I used to quite often repeat myself multiple times just to get him to look up from the TV.
- He didn’t know his drinking limits and could occasionally become quite vile after having too many.
- He stopped wanting to do anything with me, he never suggested planning anything like a holiday or weekend away unless it was with his family.
- I felt like sometimes he wasn’t interested in playing with Poppy as he quite often sat her down in front of cartoons to keep her quiet. (This changed dramatically after he left, now he can’t get enough of playing with her)
- He never remembered to take the bins out I always had to ask multiple times.
- He wasn’t the family man I wanted him to be he was more interested in playing golf, rugby, the gym or getting a night out organised.
- He wasn’t interested in making my life happy.
- He was selfish and has no empathy for others.
That actually was quite therapeutic I feel much better now. Onwards and upwards. Maybe one day I’ll meet a kinder man to set my children an example of how woman should be treated or maybe I won’t. However one thing is for sure I’m better off doing it alone.
“A daughter needs a Dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men.”
Surviving week 1
I have survived week one with a toddler and a newborn. It’s been a week of poo, vomit, sleepless nights and crying. My body looks like a deflated balloon but I can see my feet again yay! I have to admit it though I love being a mummy and I wouldn’t swap this job for anything.
I am breast feeding M and I’m really pleased she has taken to it so well however the first couple of days it was pretty agonising but I’m getting into my stride now and there is something so special about the bond we are sharing and it’s great not getting up in the middle of the night making bottles. I’m getting used to getting up every two to four hours and am using this time to catch up on Masterchef. The night before last just after M went down about 3am, P woke up, argh!!! So I ended up in bed with her for half an hour until she fell back to sleep.
P is away overnight with her Dad and the other woman this weekend. He told me that she would be there ‘in the interest of fairness not that it should matter’ he text. Pretty insensitive but I don’t expect anything less now. He also told me to ‘walk a mile in his shoes’ as I didn’t reply to a text quick enough. I’m sure he has no idea of what looking after a newborn and a toddler is like, I had the midwife that day, I registered the birth, went for a walk and popped to a friends for a coffee all with sore bleeding nipples and stitches holding my bits underneath together. Most of the time my phone is buried under a muslin or hidden at the bottom of my nappy bag not attached to me all day!
This weekend has been tough without P, I really miss her and I’m counting down to 5pm when I know I’ll have her back. I need to keep busy on my weekends without her. I’m hoping in the future I will get into my stride and start enjoying my weekend freedom but at the moment I hate it. It feels so unnatural to be away from my children especially as they are so young. I hate him for that.
She is here!
My second little lady arrived in the early hours of Thursday 14th and she is just perfect. The cutest chubby cheeks and little heart mouth. P is truly smitten with her new little sister. Welcome to the world baby M.
How it began… I went in for an induction on Tuesday evening after quite a difficult and emotional day. Getting my head around it just being my mum and I was causing me to wobble a bit. Also the hospital was filled with Dad’s carrying car seats and pacing up and down corridors excitedly phoning loved ones. I was lucky to have my own room which I didn’t venture out of to avoid having to make small talk with anyone else.
It was an extremely long wait to be taken to the labour ward but once I was down it was fairly speedy. I highly recommend the gas and air I felt like I was the life and soul of the party. I just wish I could take it home to get me through the divorce. My mum did a great job supporting me through, I think she walked away more traumatised than I was.
My ex changed his mind and decided to come to the hospital to say I was relieved was an understatement. I felt so insulted on behalf of M that he didn’t want to rush up to meet her so I’m so glad he changed his mind as she is just wonderful. It was weird to see him as it was like an old friend coming to visit, if it could be like that everytime it would make life a lot easier.
It has taken me a week to write this post, I’m hoping once I get into a routine a bit more I will have a bit more time on my hands to post.
Unexpectedsinglemummy 